Saturday, March 28, 2009

Relinquishing control

This weekend I originally planned on attending a two day conference that I had put on the calendar way back in February. Jason and I originally planned on attending a wedding Saturday night of one of his former students when he was first in youth minister. We originally planned on Micah's baseball practice Saturday morning. I originally planned on meeting with my friend Stephen to go over music Friday afternoon.

However, none of the above took place. This past week was such a grind. I left Monday to visit my dear friend Emily and her beautiful girls, and we had a wonderful time laughing, talking, and watching our children play. It was so refreshing and enjoyable. But from the moment I set foot at the church Wednesday night (we drove right in to church from our visit in Jackson), it seemed like everything was working against me and peace was being attacked from every angle.

I got irritated with Jason about something silly. He didn't feel good and so had little response when he saw us because he really had no energy. While we were gone he had loooong days and even nights with ministry stuff. So we were sort of clashing when we should have been excited and encouraged to see each other.

Thursday was really no different and in fact a little worse. J continued to physically feel bad and I was pressuring him and reminding him about all of our tasks for the weekend and making sure he was ready to keep the kids so I could go on the conference, etc.

Friday came and was J's day off. Things were starting to look up and not seem so overwhelming. The sun even came out for a while. I went out grocery shopping and came home in time to start dinner and get ready for the conference. But when I walked in, J was shivering. I took his temp and wouldn't you know, it was 102.

At first J said he would be fine and I could still go. I resisted, knowing how I would feel if I had 102 and still had to take care of the children. He said about 3 more times, "no, you go. I know you really want to. It will be ok. I will be ok." But I knew deep down, that the right thing was for me to stay home and care for my now sick hubby and the children. I told him I would stay and called my friends to let them know I was not going to be able to attend.

Truthfully, I have to say that my initial reaction to this change in events was not Godly or positive whatsoever. I kept my mouth shut about it, but those kinds of thought are just as insidious in the mind as expressed verbally.

This is SO unfair.
Why? Why does this always happen?!
My plans NEVER work out the way I want them to.

Those were some of the things I was thinking. But about 20 minutes after the decision had been made for me to stay home, the Lord spoke to me and reminded me of my high calling. He reminded me that I am not living this life for "my rights." He showed me that I can find joy in resting in Him and caring for my children and for Jason. Once I relinquished control of the situation, it freed me to enjoy it. Weird how that works, isn't it?

Also interesting to note: it is raining cats and dogs this morning, so Micah's coach called and canceled practice. I took J to an after hours clinic last night and he has strep, so the wedding is a no-go also. Funny how such a busy, busy weekend can suddenly turn into quiet, peaceful family time.

You would think I would have learned these lessons after all the sickness and home-bounded-ness (is that a word?!) we experienced *last* winter and spring. :)

I am truly thankful that God reminded me of the precious gift I have in being a wife and mother. Yes, it is hard and often times unnoticed or relentless. But it can be such a joyful, rewarding experience....if I relinquish control and rest in God's plan and not my own.

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